Steve Garvey, who could never resist the temptation of a well

camouflaged slider in the dirt, who is every mother's son,

who is seen amid stainless steel and tinted glass with perfectly

groomed hair, a shining knight in the court of corporate american

chivalry, who is sales and marketing, who is all things to all

people, who continues to earn merit badges, who never says no,

who was mercilessly and callously dumped by O'Malley, who was

unjustly accused of being too bland, who simultaneously lives in

Orange, San Diego, and Los Angeles counties, who personifies

real estate development and endless panes covered with mini blinds,

who commands cellular phone channels behind darkened glass on

freeways in shirts which define white, who smiles for cameras and

septegenarians, who dines with the sisters at the stadium club on

old timer's day, who went 2 for 4 with the flu, shaking at every

base, who is never mentioned in the tabloids, who is always clean

because he is self cleaning and always in good repair because he

is self repairing, who protects the weak, who does not do commercials

for personal injury lawyers, who made every throw to second base an

adventure.



Steve Garvey, who could never resist the temptation of soft pink

flesh, who has gone forth and multiplied, who can no longer send

greetings to his progeny on the post game show, who wears cuff links,

who has spent thousands of hours in front of a mirror practicing

that reassuring smile, a smile which has sold head shampoo and

seduced nubile post adolescents, who terrorized Candlestick park

for many years, who enraged Don Sutton with his made for TV

plasticity, who did not use the lame excuses of a Mike Marshall,

who choked in the 1978 World Series, who lives in the dawn of

early morning talk shows, who grieves for his cheerleader college

sweetheart Cyndy, who has sex only with women dressed as Michigan

State cheerleaders, who was not circumcised because he is self

circumcising, who has no insecurities concerning the length of

his penis, who occasionally cross dresses as a Michigan State

cheerleader or as a Dodger Stadium usherette, who has experimented

with bondage and sadomasochism, who lives beneath the shadow of

Lou Gherig, who saw Catfish Hunter as the reincarnation of

Stonewall Jackson, who eschewed the modeling of designer bikini

underwear in favor of the affirmation of dairy products, who

saw hallucinations of Catholic religious icons hovering above

the mound in Houston, who proclaimed the sanctity of the nuclear

family, who is in a constant state of newness, who endured the

martyrdom of a national media scandal promoted by a vicious and

ungrateful ex-wife, who is adored by the innocence of youth, who

was known to be taking on 2-2 counts, who wears clothes which are

never wrinkled because they are self ironing, who believes in Papal

infallibility, who owns apple orchards and dairy farms, who shall

ascend unto heaven on an escalator of gold in a neatly pressed

dark suit, who is clean shaven because he is self shaving, who

admires a freshly mowed outfield, who was careful not to get pine

tar on the sweet part of the bat and always neatly folded the rag,

who always takes his flatulence out of the room, who bedded the

pure and sainted white flesh of his mother in a manger of lillies,

who never forgot his mother on Valentine's day, who entered this

world without pain or trauma or even a messy afterbirth.



Steve Garvey, from whom microbes flee like the frightened peasants

of Bosnia before the Ottoman Hordes, from whom specks of filth

and dirt scatter in diasporic frenzy, who folds white handkerchiefs

by the thousands in his dreams, who served as Apollo in O'Malley's

pantheon, who polished the empty seats of Dodger stadium unto

effervescent radiance, who, like a consecrated host, is elevated

by pious fingertips in a baroque cathedral, who exhibited licentious

behavior at a number of low impact aerobic sessions in suburban

San Diego County, who lost virtue and abandoned piety under the

influence of curvaceous feminine form, who compromised the honor

of his mother and of the blessed virgin in a paroxysm of lustful

debaucherry, who was condemned in absentia by a tribunal of black

hooded clerics to toil in shackles for seven years in a barren and

isolated monastery lost in the outermost reaches of Abyssinia, who

escaped lonely exile only after many hours of torment and suffering

in the merciless sun and dust, who developed callouses on his

fingertips from the passing of endless processions of roasary beads,

who threw his fractured countenance upon cracked ground inhabited

by scorpions and centipedes, diluting their firey venom in vast

tear fed pools of repentance, who scarred his knees to bloody pulp

while bearing a heavy yoke across vast fields of smoky quartz and

amethyst, who fled across jagged mountain precipices and vast

alkaline infernos to a Red Sea port, where he was auctioned by

Arab slave traders, who was purchased by an elderly Japanese

shipping tycoon from Yokohama and offered for ransom to Peter O'Malley,

who was extricated at the cost of half the Dodger bullpen and three

minor league prospects and is now greeting season ticket holders

at the entrance to the club level wearing the familiar number six,

which shall be his in perpetuity.